So much stress. I got a job at Astoria Federal Savings bank. I finished the training yesterday thank the lord. Every day in fucking Floral Park from 845 until 445pm. I really thought I was going to lose it at the end. but today was my first say in the actual Huntington branch. It wasnt bad at all really, I was just nervous. This plus Victoria's Secret has been a lot though these last two weeks, but now that the training is over it won't be as bad. I work at the bank 4 days a week always in the mornings and afternoons and now I'm only available at VS for four days a week, so it should be okay. Besides this there's been plenty of more stress these last two weeks but I would rather not talk about it. Let's just say I wish certain people would understand when I have a responsibility like work and that when I can't see them it's not because I want it that way, it's because I have a responsibility. Sheesh.

I really need to go back to school next semester. I am thinking FIT for marketing and advertising. I wonder if I could pull that off plus work two jobs... Probably not. Maybe just keep VS for the weekends then, I don't know.

I'm just trying to live my life and make sure everybody that I love is in it. </3

This summer has been good so far, I can't complain. Florida was really good but ever since I got back I feel so unsatisfied with my every day life. I don't know what it is. I think I'm just extremely bored. I got accepted to NYIT for the fall so I'm pretty sure I'll be going there. Westbury or Manhattan? Hmm.. If I could dorm in the city that would be JUST the kind of change I need in my life right now.  I really can't be in this house for much longer and if school is the only way I can get out of here then so be it. Plus, I am really excited about taking classes. I just need something new and exciting. And I wanna actually do things this summer and not just have it be a memory or working and being bored. Ugh.

I'm just so irritated right now.

I swear this relationship between me and Chris is the most complicated and confusing thing I have ever experienced. Like just about a month ago things were great. Then after that everything fell to complete shit and just got worse and worse up until now. He's been home this week and each night we've seen each other it's gotten better and better. Come Sunday though he'll be gone again and I just feel like everything will be starting from square one again. Like before this week things were not good at all. We were fighting constantly and saying not-so-nice things to each other. I was sure it was gonna end. Now everything seems back to normal and all those good feelings I had for him have hit me once again. I thought this week was gonna be the last week we would be together but now all these thoughts and emotions have come up. I;m just so afraid that he's gonna go back to school and everything is gonna fall to shit again. I mean yes I made mistakes the last time he was gone and I've learned from them and I'm not gonna make them again, but honestly if I'm gonna do this again some things have to change a little bit and he's gonna have to try a little harder if it means anything to him. I don't think he understands how much the little things mean to me, and saying something along the lines of, "I miss you" or ANYTHING of the sort once in a while would make me happy. I'm sorry but you can't be in a long distance relationship and not show any sort of affection towards your other, especially when you don't have a lot of time to talk and texting is how you communicate 98% of time. I just have to see/hear something once in a while that makes me know that he's still in this. I'm just so confused about this. Like this is my first actual relationship with someone first of all so I don't have anything to compare it to. Second it's a long distance one and maybe I'm not as good at it as he is but it's not the easiest thing to do. If we lived in the same place everything would be different. I swear if he could find a school in NYC maybe this could all work out. We both want to live there. But if he stays in Boston next year... and for the next four years, there is no way I can do it. That's why my mind is racing right now. I know that I can't do another year of this. Plus he's talking about going on all these trips and vacations this summer. So am I even gonna see him this summer? Is it all worth it? Maybe me and him just happened at the wrong time. Maybe somewhere down the road it could work better.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to be unhappy anymore.